a development!
Close to two years after starting this process, and after long ago abandoning any hope that anything would come of it, I got a call this morning. Yep, "the call".
First, I can't even believe I'm one of "them" now. By "them", I mean the adoptees that have a name for their birth parent(s). We'll call her S. I am not allowed to know the last name, but the woman from the courthouse, who is super, super nice gave me a rundown of the entire conversation.
Apparently S tried to call last year sometime, in response to the letters that were sent out. Unfortunately, when she left a message, she left her married name, so they didn't know who she was or why she was calling and didn't end up calling back. (The lady researching my case has about five other jobs in the courthouse and is way overworked.) Anyway, they recently found her married name, and resent the letters. S called back again. This is actually good, as 2006 had enough drama in it for me.
She said that no one knows about me, except her husband, her parents, and her sister. Her sister just found out last week, because she also got a letter and inquired as to what it was about. So its a bit of a sticky situation, but its not like I'm asking to move in, or even meet up face to face. Her dad made her tell her husband about me before they got married. Her husband, upon finding out that I was trying to contact her, said she should let it be, but when she heard that I was mostly interested in medical info, she seemed cooperative.
Apparently she's had a lot of medical problems and currently has a mass on her lung. She will find out today what that is. I feel kind of bad about the timing - that's a lot for a person to swallow :(
She has been married to the same guy for "her whole life" and it sounded like she still lived in the same part of the country. She told the lady on the phone that she figured this day would come, but that nothing really prepares you for it.
She has agreed to begin writing down my entire family medical history - ages/age of death for my grandparents and any medical conditions, all the way through her children - if she has any. I was a little too shell shocked to ask.
According to the courthouse lady, S's main reservations are 1. I'm essentially a secret and 2. She got the vibe that there was something really difficult about the circumstances of the pregnancy and that S probably wouldn't want to think/talk about it.
Roughly five hours later, I'm still processing all this information, but its good. :)
Next steps: S has agreed to read a letter from me and will write back, sending her letter via the court system, although she may not write any more than my family medical info. It was suggested that I ask specific questions and tell her about myself and my life. I'll send a picture and probably include my contact info. She is allowed to do the same, but I suspect she'll opt not to. I would really, really love to know the last name though. Gotta make up for all those genealogy projects I did in school that always felt slightly fabricated. I've started the letter, but its really awkward to introduce yourself to the person who gave birth to you. I don't want it to be too long, so its like I've got a page or two to prove I made something of myself and to tactfully ask what I want to know.
Anyway, planning to have this thing in the mail tomorrow.
First, I can't even believe I'm one of "them" now. By "them", I mean the adoptees that have a name for their birth parent(s). We'll call her S. I am not allowed to know the last name, but the woman from the courthouse, who is super, super nice gave me a rundown of the entire conversation.
Apparently S tried to call last year sometime, in response to the letters that were sent out. Unfortunately, when she left a message, she left her married name, so they didn't know who she was or why she was calling and didn't end up calling back. (The lady researching my case has about five other jobs in the courthouse and is way overworked.) Anyway, they recently found her married name, and resent the letters. S called back again. This is actually good, as 2006 had enough drama in it for me.
She said that no one knows about me, except her husband, her parents, and her sister. Her sister just found out last week, because she also got a letter and inquired as to what it was about. So its a bit of a sticky situation, but its not like I'm asking to move in, or even meet up face to face. Her dad made her tell her husband about me before they got married. Her husband, upon finding out that I was trying to contact her, said she should let it be, but when she heard that I was mostly interested in medical info, she seemed cooperative.
Apparently she's had a lot of medical problems and currently has a mass on her lung. She will find out today what that is. I feel kind of bad about the timing - that's a lot for a person to swallow :(
She has been married to the same guy for "her whole life" and it sounded like she still lived in the same part of the country. She told the lady on the phone that she figured this day would come, but that nothing really prepares you for it.
She has agreed to begin writing down my entire family medical history - ages/age of death for my grandparents and any medical conditions, all the way through her children - if she has any. I was a little too shell shocked to ask.
According to the courthouse lady, S's main reservations are 1. I'm essentially a secret and 2. She got the vibe that there was something really difficult about the circumstances of the pregnancy and that S probably wouldn't want to think/talk about it.
Roughly five hours later, I'm still processing all this information, but its good. :)
Next steps: S has agreed to read a letter from me and will write back, sending her letter via the court system, although she may not write any more than my family medical info. It was suggested that I ask specific questions and tell her about myself and my life. I'll send a picture and probably include my contact info. She is allowed to do the same, but I suspect she'll opt not to. I would really, really love to know the last name though. Gotta make up for all those genealogy projects I did in school that always felt slightly fabricated. I've started the letter, but its really awkward to introduce yourself to the person who gave birth to you. I don't want it to be too long, so its like I've got a page or two to prove I made something of myself and to tactfully ask what I want to know.
Anyway, planning to have this thing in the mail tomorrow.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 11:35 AM
4 Comments:
Wow! That is too freakin' awesome! I'm so happy for you! I hope everything goes according to plan and the way you want it to. Keep us informed on how things go! :)
I just tried posting a comment but it didn't work - perhaps for the best. I gave you a lot of explanation, but the bottom line is really think about your motives, what you expect, and how this woman feels before you keep pushing yourself on her. The results can be devastating.
I'm an adtoptee who has known her birth mother for 20 years - she came looking for me and in April she decided I was no longer appropriate for her and I'm no longer part of that family. After 20 years, the embarassmet of my existance became something she couldn't apparently deal with anymore. Her finding me was entirely selfish and self-serving and a means for her to assuage her guilt. I knew what it meant to be illigitimate 52 years ago and never would have looked for her. Sounds like your birth mother has some of the same issues. Just please be careful - take off the rose colored glasses. I went through the same things with wanting to know my history, where I came from, etc. Don't use the excuse of wanting medical records to try to get your foot in the door.
I'll see if this one posts - if not, then someone doesn't want you to see another point of view.
Best of luck to you - whatever choice you make. Be sure you have a strong support system.
i'm certainly not "pushing" myself on her. i want my medical history and the answers to some questions, if she feels ok about answering them, and that's it. frankly, if she sends me the medical info and that's it, i'm completely satisfied. i've already had some issues with my health which probably would have been easier to diagnose if i had my records, and this is in no way an attempt to have a relationship with her.
Grrrr!!! Not for one instant did I feel that my son was pushing anything on me by finding me! I felt that he was giving me an opportunity to know him and also a chance to begin to heal.
You certainly do not sound at all as though you are pushing yourself on her. I think you are being terribly reasonable in fact.
Don't sweat the fact that she's not told anyone - if she hasn't it is time. I never told anyone, but now I realize that most of my fears were groundless. Keeping secrets is an enormous burden - letting them out can be healing.
Consider that you are giving your mother a wondrous opportunity - not intruding on her life as some view it. Whether she is able to receive your gift or not is up to her - based on her strength, etc.
Even if she is not ready now, she may be later. Best of luck!
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