Wednesday, March 08, 2006

First Meeting

Tonight was the first meeting of the adoption group at our church. I was really impressed with the mix of people who showed up - really varied backgrounds: a domestic open adoption, a domestic closed adoption (their daughter is biracial), a Russian adoption, a couple who just started the process of adoption this week (the would-be-dad is adopted), a couple who is getting married this summer and wants to adopt, and my husband and I.

I have to say that although my purpose in starting this group was to connect with other adoptees who might be searching, I think I have very little in common with the guy in our group who is adopted. He told us a story about how a few years ago someone who worked at his agency called him and said she no longer worked there and had a bunch of files, and she could tell him who his birthmom was and he said he didn't want to know about any of the info. What?!?!

The low point of the evening was when I mentioned that I was searching for my birth mom which really seemed to offend one woman (mother of a 6 year old, closed adoption). After I said something about it she literally barraged me with questions - it was like she was a machine gun: "How old are you?...How long have you been searching?...Did you grow up in a loving home?...Are you trying to replace your parents?...Do they know?...Why haven't you told them?...Why do you feel like you need to do this?" By the time she got to the last question, before I even realized what I was saying, I blurted out "I think everyone has the right to know where they came from. Everyone." It's probably the first time I didn't give the socially acceptable answer of "I just want to know my medical history" or "I want to know if we look alike". Felt kind of good to stop apologizing for what I'm doing and saying what people want to hear and actually tell someone the truth.

There was another couple there that we really identified with - they are getting married this summer and feel like God wants them to adopt. It is so good to know some other people who want to adopt as their first choice for starting a family - I'm really thankful that they were there.

All in all, I think it is going to be great - I have a lot to learn and hope to be able to help all these adoptive parents however I can.

4 Comments:

Blogger petunia said...

I'm glad it went so well - You know why God wanted you to do this yet? I think you will be suprised what comes out of this. If nothing else you will be able to educate the adopted mom ( i guess all the adopted parents)about why you need to know your information and that it's not scary - you are not choosing one over the other. It sounds like there is a good mix of people and you'll ahve a good support group.....keep pluggin away!

1:51 PM  
Blogger stacy said...

I stumbled upon your blog, and I totally understand where you're coming from. I just reunited with my birthparents and many people don't understand the need to search. Some people want to, and others don't. It doesn't mean we weren't raised in a loving home...but we need to know where we came from.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, i'm a future adoptive mom. i'm sorry that the other adoptive mom barraged you with questions. that wasn't fair, and is not a pleasant experience (i get the same treatment regarding our choice of adoption and our infertility). all i am able to offer here is this. those questions were a reflection of her fears and insecurities. my greatest fear is that i will be the most perfect mom in the world, and that my child will look at me and say "it wasn't enough". those questions, fears, and insecurities are about acceptence as a mom and parent, and validation. i hope to be in a place where i will be able to fully support my child's quest for birthparents and not to feel threatened. we will gather as much info as possible regarding the birth family (which isn't always easy or possible with an international adoption). that woman doesn't appear to be there yet, but i hope that one day she will be.
christine
for what it's worth - adoption is our first choice too, we just happen to be infertile

1:04 PM  
Blogger stacy said...

The best of luck in your search. If you need any help let me know!

9:31 PM  

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