The Replacement Baby
Until about three years ago, I had never thought about why my parents adopted me. I thought that they were just nice people who wanted to help a baby that didn't have a home, so they adopted me. Then, a few years back, a friend of mine asked me why my parents adopted me. I had never been asked that before, and I was a little stunned. I'd been asked a host of other questions, the typical questions, but never why.
That is what initially put the thought in my mind that my parents had trouble conceiving and adopted me as a result. Now that I'm learning more about adoption, it seems really obvious, but honestly, I was 23 before that thought ever crossed my mind. The thing is, my mom was pregnant five times over a period of seven years while I was a kid, she had a lot of trouble - miscarriages, stillbirths, etc. and only actually had two children, but still - five times in seven years seems like a lot to me. So, I vetoed that theory.
At one point when I first started searching, I went to the website for my adoption agency, a local agency in Erie. I read the requirements to adopt and it said you had to have a letter from your doctor as proof of not being able to conceive, so I started thinking about it again.
Then yesterday, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was telling me about the cataract surgery she's having on Wednesday. She said the nurse called her today and asked her about any surgery or medical procedures she'd had done. She said "I told them about my miscarriage, stillbirths, having my appendix out..." and then she said something about some kind of ovarian surgery I'd never heard of. I asked her if that was the surgery she had when I was a kid, right before she had my sister that made her able to have my sister. She said no, that this surgery was shortly after my mom and dad got married, before they adopted my older brother and it was for people who couldn't get pregnant.
Yeah, that will mess with your head a little bit, to go your whole life thinking your parents picked you because they were just being nice, and then finding out that basically you were the second choice, because after ten years they couldn't get pregnant. Now I just feel really stupid, like everyone else already knew this, and I've just now been enlightened.
Not to say that my parents didn't adopt me because they were nice, but knowing what I know now makes me view adoption in an entirely different light. Did they say things like "I guess we'll just have to adopt"? I'm sure they were excited to get me, but was it a big disappointment for them to settle for someone else's baby?
I'm actually very thankful that I didn't find out about this until now. By growing up thinking that parents adopted kids because they were nice people who wanted to help is always what made me want to adopt someday. And that is still why I want to adopt - I want to help kids - maybe kids that are older, kids in other countries, I don't really know, but I've always felt this need to help kids because my parents helped me. If I had grown up thinking about adoption any other way, I probably wouldn't want to adopt a child myself.
That is what initially put the thought in my mind that my parents had trouble conceiving and adopted me as a result. Now that I'm learning more about adoption, it seems really obvious, but honestly, I was 23 before that thought ever crossed my mind. The thing is, my mom was pregnant five times over a period of seven years while I was a kid, she had a lot of trouble - miscarriages, stillbirths, etc. and only actually had two children, but still - five times in seven years seems like a lot to me. So, I vetoed that theory.
At one point when I first started searching, I went to the website for my adoption agency, a local agency in Erie. I read the requirements to adopt and it said you had to have a letter from your doctor as proof of not being able to conceive, so I started thinking about it again.
Then yesterday, I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was telling me about the cataract surgery she's having on Wednesday. She said the nurse called her today and asked her about any surgery or medical procedures she'd had done. She said "I told them about my miscarriage, stillbirths, having my appendix out..." and then she said something about some kind of ovarian surgery I'd never heard of. I asked her if that was the surgery she had when I was a kid, right before she had my sister that made her able to have my sister. She said no, that this surgery was shortly after my mom and dad got married, before they adopted my older brother and it was for people who couldn't get pregnant.
Yeah, that will mess with your head a little bit, to go your whole life thinking your parents picked you because they were just being nice, and then finding out that basically you were the second choice, because after ten years they couldn't get pregnant. Now I just feel really stupid, like everyone else already knew this, and I've just now been enlightened.
Not to say that my parents didn't adopt me because they were nice, but knowing what I know now makes me view adoption in an entirely different light. Did they say things like "I guess we'll just have to adopt"? I'm sure they were excited to get me, but was it a big disappointment for them to settle for someone else's baby?
I'm actually very thankful that I didn't find out about this until now. By growing up thinking that parents adopted kids because they were nice people who wanted to help is always what made me want to adopt someday. And that is still why I want to adopt - I want to help kids - maybe kids that are older, kids in other countries, I don't really know, but I've always felt this need to help kids because my parents helped me. If I had grown up thinking about adoption any other way, I probably wouldn't want to adopt a child myself.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 6:35 PM
7 Comments:
I understand your feelings about this one and I'm coming from the "other side of the fence" so to speak.
My mother placed a baby for adoption, it was 1970, she was unmarried, and her boyfriend had left town after discovering she was pregnant. My mother met my dad a few months after placing the child for adoption. They were married and I was born 18 months after she placed her first daughter for adoption.
We were never told about the other child. I grew up thinking that I was her first born. I found out I was her second child a few weeks after my mother died from cancer. I was 20 at the time.
I had a tough time with this news. I felt like I was the replacement baby. That she got pregnant with me to fill the void of another child. I felt like I wasn't really the child she was longing for and she wasn't around to tell me any different.
A friend of mine helped me through this time by telling me that losing a child probably made my mom cherish and love me all the more.
I choose to believe my friend's theory and judging by my relationship with my mom - I think she's right. We were very close and I miss her terribly.
I'm thinking the same for your adoptive parents - after going through so much loss with miscarriages and stillbirths - I think they were so happy to have you in their lives that you received all that love that they had been yearning to give.
I don't know what your relationship is like with your adoptive mom or if she is even open to talking about adoption - but I'd think about sharing your feelings with her. It may be quite healing - but you know her best.
I think you need to step back from this and re-examine the whole thing. It's sort of like when a couple has three kids and thinks they are "done" and they have a "whoops" baby or a "mistake". People cannot dwell of what their first impression were or even their intentions. When that baby was born (if they thought it at all) the feelings of "replacement" or "mistake" go away and they LOVE that child with all their heart. You may feel like you were a "replacement" - and maybe that's what they felt at first. But you were a unique person and they fell in love with you when they held you in their arms for the first time. Ask them..........
I saw a great quote once about someone complaining that they were an "accident". Their mother told them, "No, you weren't an accident, you were a surprise." There is a difference. My mom once told me that I was an "accident" as she already had her two children, a boy and a girl. It never phased me though, as I never had any doubt growing up that my parents loved me dearly.
I think of it this way - even if adoption is a "second choice" for many, I do not doubt that people who adopt love their children as much. It is just a different way to create a family. "Different" does not mean less than.
Wait, did I just say that? Yes, despite my displeasure of some kinds of adoption, I do not hate all adoption or all adoptive parents. Some enlightened adoptive parents are amazing people that I adore.
I reread my post and realized that they way I wrote it might have been a little misleading.
It isn't that I think my parents didn't really want me or didn't love me. I know they did. I know they were elated the day they picked me up from the courthouse. And they did a great job of not treating me differently then my little brother and sister.
I guess that what I was trying to say is that its a really bizzare feeling to have an idea your whole life about why your parents adopted you, and then suddenly one day you find out the reason is something totally different from what you thought.
Its something I've been thinking about a lot lately, as I've embarked on this search for my birth mom. What if the truth is completely different than what I've told myself all these years? It's a really weird feeling.
I still think that I get what you are meaning. I thought I was my mother's first born, now I know that I was not. I feel like everything that I thought I knew about my mother is all wrong. Like I never knew her. It is a very weird feeling. I also felt misplaced within my family, the birth order was off and I suddenly didn't know where I fit in.
Logic vs emotion. Obviously they can co-exist but that doesn't mean they always do.
I have struggled with this same issue. I have even read about it in books. It goes something like this; adoptive parents should acknowledge the loss of the child they could not have so the adoptee does not become a replacement child. I can't say if this theory is valid but it makes sense.
I certainly don't have answers here but I think that even though your feelings may not seem logical (we know our parents love us for who we are) on some level they are honest (we did fill a void for them) and I think you are doing right by taking a look.
These sorts of issues are raw emotion for us. When we honor them we can find a way to view them from a healthier place. To ignore it like it doesn't exist because it doesn't seem "logical" does us no favors and perpetuates the silence where there needs to be a voice.
Long drawn out way to say I can see where you're coming from! lol
Hugs,
Mia
I so understand what you're saying.Odd cos I wasn't adopted.Maybe it's cos I'm hoping to one day/some day adopt a child.We have 2 bio kids,but I have a 'need' to adopt...I don't know if you'll even get this comment cos you stopped blogging,but for what it's worth.Your post makes complete sense to me!I'd be thinking,if i was younger "So if they could have had kids,then I wouldn't be with them" That I was a 'desperate measure'
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