Three Weeks
I spent 30 minutes Tuesday morning psyching myself up to call the investigator who is supposedly working on my case. I said I'd call after I got a shower...after I got dressed...after I fixed my hair...after I put on my makeup - and finally, I had nothing else left to do except call or leave for work. So I dialed the number.
About this time, I realized I had no idea what I was going to say or even why I was calling. Half of me thinks the person on the other end of the call probably talks to adoptees all the time and would be kind and understanding. The other half of me feels like I'm going to be scolded when I call, as if I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing by searching for my mom.
I really just want to call to find out what exactly they're doing, what the process is. It sounds crazy, but I honestly didn't believe there was a real person out there "investigating" anything - it seemed like a big hoax to me.
The phone rang...and rang...and rang. Voicemail. I hung up. I tried again Wednesday morning. Same thing - lots of psyching myself up, but no answer - voicemail. Hung up again. I don't know what I want, or why I'm calling, so I don't really have a "message" to leave - "Hi, just calling to see if you are a real person or not. Call me back if you are"?
This morning was a bit different, instead of ringing five or six times, it rang once and went to voicemail. I thought maybe this meant she was on the other line. So I waited ten minutes and called back. This time she answered. Her name is Carol.
I was caught a little off guard by the fact that someone actually answered. This is the woman who can give me the info I want, I certainly don't want to piss her off. So I told her I just had some questions and she said "Ok, go ahead". I explained that I just wondered what exactly was going to transpire, and told her I didn't really understand the whole process of was going to happen. Carol was completely understanding, and I really appreciated her no-nonsense tone (and her northern accent). I really do like they way most people in the north are usually very direct. I have lived in the south for a number of years now and a lot of time I feel like people tend to candy-coat things, afraid of sounding rude or offending someone. I also work in the music industry where people have a tendancy to lie, blow things out of proportion and say what they think you want to hear without ever following through. I like it when people are able to just say it how it is without the fluff. That is something I really appreciate about Carol.
The first thing Carol told me was that she does three other jobs at the court house and that looking for adoptees' families is lowest on the totem poll. She said she works on it as often as she can, in between hearings and that this morning was the first time all week she'd been to the office that handles requests like mine. Sure, that's not encouraging news, but I SO apprecaite her honesty and bluntness. There are four other files that she will be working on alongside of mine.
She told me that she will always be 100% honest with me and that she would call me every step of the way. The first thing she will do check and see if my mom ever updated my file with any info. If so, I can have whatever info she gave them.
If not, the next step is to find out where my mom lived. I always assumed my mom lived in the town where I was born: Bradford, Pennsylvania. She told me that in many cases, women left home and stayed with relatives while they were pregnant to avoid the stigma that comes with being young, unwed and pregnant. This blew my mind. Thirty seconds into the conversation and she's already shooting potential holes in my story, just like I thought she would.
If my mom was from Erie county, she can check marriage/divorce records right downstairs at the courthouse. If she was from another county, she has to write letters and it takes a little longer. If she can locate her, she calls her and asks her if she wants contact or not and that's it.
If she can't find her, she sends letters out to potential family members asking for her contact info to "update records". Then she follows up by calling them. If they manage to put two and two together and ask her if this has to do with the adoption, she is allowed to tell them about me. I remember her exact words, she was slow and deliberate; she said she had been doing this a long time and I think she knew this was going to be weird for me to hear:
"Now...if your family members ask about you...I can tell them about you...I'll call you and find out more about you before I call them so I can tell them about you if they ask..."
That is so weird. THAT IS SO WEIRD! I never once thought that I might have aunts uncles and grandparents that knew about me. It was always just my mom.
Finally, she told me that if she finds out my mom is in jail, I can change my mind and not proceed any further with the search if I want to. That's a pleasant thought. Of course it has crossed my mind before, but I really and truly believe she is a good person.
I talked with Carol for another few minutes, all the while trying as hard as I could to scribble down every word she said and listen intently, like she might slip up and give me a name on accident. I felt really good about the whole situation after hanging up. I felt like she was on my side, and I got the vibe that she loved this part of her job, even if she couldn't dedicate a lot of time to it. She told me that it will be another two weeks before she has time to dig into my file and to call her in three weeks if I don't hear from her. It's lame, I know, but I'll be counting down the next three weeks until I can call her again.
About this time, I realized I had no idea what I was going to say or even why I was calling. Half of me thinks the person on the other end of the call probably talks to adoptees all the time and would be kind and understanding. The other half of me feels like I'm going to be scolded when I call, as if I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing by searching for my mom.
I really just want to call to find out what exactly they're doing, what the process is. It sounds crazy, but I honestly didn't believe there was a real person out there "investigating" anything - it seemed like a big hoax to me.
The phone rang...and rang...and rang. Voicemail. I hung up. I tried again Wednesday morning. Same thing - lots of psyching myself up, but no answer - voicemail. Hung up again. I don't know what I want, or why I'm calling, so I don't really have a "message" to leave - "Hi, just calling to see if you are a real person or not. Call me back if you are"?
This morning was a bit different, instead of ringing five or six times, it rang once and went to voicemail. I thought maybe this meant she was on the other line. So I waited ten minutes and called back. This time she answered. Her name is Carol.
I was caught a little off guard by the fact that someone actually answered. This is the woman who can give me the info I want, I certainly don't want to piss her off. So I told her I just had some questions and she said "Ok, go ahead". I explained that I just wondered what exactly was going to transpire, and told her I didn't really understand the whole process of was going to happen. Carol was completely understanding, and I really appreciated her no-nonsense tone (and her northern accent). I really do like they way most people in the north are usually very direct. I have lived in the south for a number of years now and a lot of time I feel like people tend to candy-coat things, afraid of sounding rude or offending someone. I also work in the music industry where people have a tendancy to lie, blow things out of proportion and say what they think you want to hear without ever following through. I like it when people are able to just say it how it is without the fluff. That is something I really appreciate about Carol.
The first thing Carol told me was that she does three other jobs at the court house and that looking for adoptees' families is lowest on the totem poll. She said she works on it as often as she can, in between hearings and that this morning was the first time all week she'd been to the office that handles requests like mine. Sure, that's not encouraging news, but I SO apprecaite her honesty and bluntness. There are four other files that she will be working on alongside of mine.
She told me that she will always be 100% honest with me and that she would call me every step of the way. The first thing she will do check and see if my mom ever updated my file with any info. If so, I can have whatever info she gave them.
If not, the next step is to find out where my mom lived. I always assumed my mom lived in the town where I was born: Bradford, Pennsylvania. She told me that in many cases, women left home and stayed with relatives while they were pregnant to avoid the stigma that comes with being young, unwed and pregnant. This blew my mind. Thirty seconds into the conversation and she's already shooting potential holes in my story, just like I thought she would.
If my mom was from Erie county, she can check marriage/divorce records right downstairs at the courthouse. If she was from another county, she has to write letters and it takes a little longer. If she can locate her, she calls her and asks her if she wants contact or not and that's it.
If she can't find her, she sends letters out to potential family members asking for her contact info to "update records". Then she follows up by calling them. If they manage to put two and two together and ask her if this has to do with the adoption, she is allowed to tell them about me. I remember her exact words, she was slow and deliberate; she said she had been doing this a long time and I think she knew this was going to be weird for me to hear:
"Now...if your family members ask about you...I can tell them about you...I'll call you and find out more about you before I call them so I can tell them about you if they ask..."
That is so weird. THAT IS SO WEIRD! I never once thought that I might have aunts uncles and grandparents that knew about me. It was always just my mom.
Finally, she told me that if she finds out my mom is in jail, I can change my mind and not proceed any further with the search if I want to. That's a pleasant thought. Of course it has crossed my mind before, but I really and truly believe she is a good person.
I talked with Carol for another few minutes, all the while trying as hard as I could to scribble down every word she said and listen intently, like she might slip up and give me a name on accident. I felt really good about the whole situation after hanging up. I felt like she was on my side, and I got the vibe that she loved this part of her job, even if she couldn't dedicate a lot of time to it. She told me that it will be another two weeks before she has time to dig into my file and to call her in three weeks if I don't hear from her. It's lame, I know, but I'll be counting down the next three weeks until I can call her again.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 9:34 PM
3 Comments:
I'm glad that your search has started out so positively. My mom had 8 brothers and sisters so I wonder if they know about me too.
Are you kidding? I don't think it is "lame" at all to be counting the weeks! How exciting for you!
I remember well the weeks between the agency finding me and getting all the paperwork in place so they could release contact info to each other. And then, when I knew that my son had my contact info - and was going to call me on the phone!
Every time the phone rang for a week or so, I jumped! Then once I knew definitely he was supposed to call one night, I was pacing the floor until he did!
Ah,then there was that first call -best phone call of my life! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! My list just keeps growing!
This is such a weird time - i remember feeling so weird about ll of it. My lady took a long time too....i kept trying to be patient but - you feel like "okay, if you just put a little effort into MY file! And she was nice so i didn't want to get upset with her. My suggestion though is to stay on her and keep calling because that keeps you in the foreground. I had a name and where she was from for months and it was good - because it was a lot to absorb. Then i called after a long dry spell and she cross checked the drivers licence at came up with a name right away - she could hve done that any time!!! I was a little upset. But i figure there must have been a timing issue---everything happens the way it does for a reason. (sorry about rambling)
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