Disturbing?
I had an idea to start a group at my church for adoptees, birth moms and adoptive parents to connect and talk to each other. I emailed my church about it and told them I didn't necessarily want to be the leader of the group, but I would definitely have an interest in being involved with a such a group. They wrote back and said they thought they knew just the person to lead the group. Turns out, the woman they knew wants me to help her lead the group. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but I agreed to it. I met her after church today.
Earlier this week, I emailed her a description of what I looked like: really tall with short, dark hair. I still wonder what my birth mom, who is 5"4, blonde hair and blue eyes would think if she ever saw me. I was at church by myself today because my husband was sick. I was standing at the back of the church, in a large mass of people, feeling pretty stupid, when I saw a lady holding a baby staring at me. I figured that must be her. I was right.
She was a nice lady. Her son is six months old, an open adoption and they have a very good relationship with the mother, who is 16. Every time they visit with the birthmom, she spends the hours following the visit journaling everything that happenend, what was said, etc. I was in awe - what an incredible idea. Maybe that is really common and I'm just not familiar with open adoptions, but I was really impressed. Is it wrong that I'm jealous of a six month old baby? Ha Ha!
On the phone a few weeks ago, I suggested that she read "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parents Knew". Today, she pulled that book out of her bag. She put it on the table. She told me she found it really disturbing. "Really?" was my shocked response. I think she didn't like the part where the author theorizes that babies suffer a loss due to the separation from their birth mothers. I don't know what I think about that theory. It makes sense. But there is no way to really prove it, and I like data. Either way, I don't think "disturbing" is the word I would use to describe that book.
It was a harsh brush with reality, to hear someone who is involved with adoption tell you that the concepts and ideas that had made you feel validated about being adopted for the first time in your life were "disturbing". I talked to her for about an hour. That's the longest I've talked to anyone, ever about adoption, and it was really hard to keep my composure for that long, especially in front of a complete stranger. I left feeling tired, anxious and like I am a "disturbed" person. I'm a little afraid that this group is going to consist of a bunch of adoptive parents and no other adoptees are going to show up except for me, on display as the classic adoptee whose parents did everything wrong and who everyone hopes their kid doesn't grow up to be, even though I woke up feeling like I was pretty well-adjusted person.
Strange how people can have such different takes on things; what one person finds enlighting another finds disturbing.
Earlier this week, I emailed her a description of what I looked like: really tall with short, dark hair. I still wonder what my birth mom, who is 5"4, blonde hair and blue eyes would think if she ever saw me. I was at church by myself today because my husband was sick. I was standing at the back of the church, in a large mass of people, feeling pretty stupid, when I saw a lady holding a baby staring at me. I figured that must be her. I was right.
She was a nice lady. Her son is six months old, an open adoption and they have a very good relationship with the mother, who is 16. Every time they visit with the birthmom, she spends the hours following the visit journaling everything that happenend, what was said, etc. I was in awe - what an incredible idea. Maybe that is really common and I'm just not familiar with open adoptions, but I was really impressed. Is it wrong that I'm jealous of a six month old baby? Ha Ha!
On the phone a few weeks ago, I suggested that she read "20 Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parents Knew". Today, she pulled that book out of her bag. She put it on the table. She told me she found it really disturbing. "Really?" was my shocked response. I think she didn't like the part where the author theorizes that babies suffer a loss due to the separation from their birth mothers. I don't know what I think about that theory. It makes sense. But there is no way to really prove it, and I like data. Either way, I don't think "disturbing" is the word I would use to describe that book.
It was a harsh brush with reality, to hear someone who is involved with adoption tell you that the concepts and ideas that had made you feel validated about being adopted for the first time in your life were "disturbing". I talked to her for about an hour. That's the longest I've talked to anyone, ever about adoption, and it was really hard to keep my composure for that long, especially in front of a complete stranger. I left feeling tired, anxious and like I am a "disturbed" person. I'm a little afraid that this group is going to consist of a bunch of adoptive parents and no other adoptees are going to show up except for me, on display as the classic adoptee whose parents did everything wrong and who everyone hopes their kid doesn't grow up to be, even though I woke up feeling like I was pretty well-adjusted person.
Strange how people can have such different takes on things; what one person finds enlighting another finds disturbing.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 1:36 PM
5 Comments:
I am an eternal optimistic generally - maybe part of why I stayed wedge in that birth mom closet for so long - with my Mary Sunshine denial routine? BUT, as frustrating as your encounter with this woman was - you can both learn from each other. So, can you look on this as an opportunity? Not saying that I wouldn't be feeling as discourgaged as you are - I do not blame you - it would have been much nicer had the other person in mind been another adoptee with similar views to your. However, you may be able to make some positive contributions that will help this woman better parent her adopted child, right?
Your feelings are shared by many other adoptees, and some adoptive parents "get" it too. So, please don't feel less entitled to or question your right to feel as you do. The adoptive mom you encountered is not very enlightened that's all. You can help change that.
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound preachy, it is crummy that this lady was so what you may not have hoped for. Hang in there though - I imagine it takes awhile to get a support group going.
If you do not get many adoptees at the first few meetings, don't give up. Can you track some down? How about some fliers, etc. at local colleges? Or, find the local CUB chapter regional person and/or any other search organizations and ask them to mention your new group? Or mention the group on-line?
Good thing you didn't suggest the Primal Wound, eh? She'd really have been disturbed. Sorry - that had to be a frustrating experience.
In a previous entry, you mentioned God's plan for you and this is probably another part of it. What a great opportunity for you! Just remember to always be honest with your feelings with this group.
I'm sure you guys are right - this will be a great opportunity to learn for both of us. The group is actually a part of our church's small group program, and I go to a really big church, about 3-4K people, so I'm hoping and praying that out of all those people some adoptees will surface for our first meeting in March. Thanks so much for your comments - you all are so helpful, encouraging and appreciated =)
I looked off and on for my BM for years. I really didn't know why except i needed to know (i'm sure you understand that). Anyway, Now i am going to be an adopted mother. I have so many mixed feelings. I want to have that baby for my own and don't want someone else involved. Even though i know how important it is....when it comes to love we are selfish-that's the only explination i can give. We all ahve different feelings about it all. The adoptee feels in the middle and wants to love everybody - we want to know the truth and our identity but to remain faitful to those who raised us. The birthmother feels cheated, something ripped from them that is sacred but can never hold as their own again. The birthmother loves that child as her own so feels that no one else should have a part of them....we are all in a pickle of sorts.
God has let things happen to us for a reason (doesn't cause them but uses them). You could be a light for these adopted mothers - you could be the only one that can explain how adoptees feel. Be brave - at least for the sake of other children who want their aparents to understand how they feel/will feel.
Sorry - when i wrote "The birthmother loves that child as her own so feels that no one else should have a part of them...." I meant the adopted mother loves that child as her own so feels that no one else should have a part of them.....
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