Exciting...and not so exciting
Wow...that is all I can really say right now.
First, there have been over 60 unique visitors to this site, just since I started last week. I know that in web terms that is nothing, but these aren't customers or sales leads, these are real people. Every time I log in and see that the count has increased, I am amazed and encouraged.
Secondly, I have been reading about the benefits of connecting with other adoptees. That's part of the reason I started this blog. Not just to benefit myself, but so that other adoptees can benefit as well. I have also contacted my church and they are going to put together a group for people affected by adoption - I can't wait! I thought about it for most of the weekend. The group isn't supposed to start until mid-February, and I wondered how I could manage to wait that long.
But then, are you ready for this? At the end of the workday today, one of my coworkers comes into my office and says "You were adopted, too?" What!?!? This girl has worked in our office for a few months now but is ultra shy so I haven't really gotten to know her very well - however, her adoption came up in conversation with another coworker and he told her that I was adopted, too. I kid you not, I had to hold on to my desk in order to keep myself from falling out of my chair. What are the chances of that?! I feel so lucky and so blessed and so reassured that God is with me that I can't even begin to describe it.
In less exciting and encouraging news, I talked to my mom tonight. I just wanted the name of my adoption agency. Here is about how it went:
"What do you need to know for?" To which I wanted to respond, why do you want to keep everything a secret? But instead...
"I'm trying to see if she updated the medical file they have for me at the courthouse" That is a lie. I already sent all of my forms in earlier today. It did ask for an agency, but I put enough other information on there for them to identify me without an agnecy name. Yes, I'm a whimp. Definitely not ready to tell her what I'm really searching for.
"Well, she was only 24, I doubt many people who are that age that give up their kids actually come back and update the file" My mom always made my birth mother out to be some kind of whorish slut and whenever she talks about her she uses a really horrid tone of voice. It makes you feel really great, you know?
"I read online that some people have gotten updated medical forms"
"Oh, did they find their parents, too?"
"Some of them did, but some just got medical info"
I hate talking to her about anything that has to do with my adoption. My parents gave me a home and provided what I needed, but they never gave me an outlet to talk about being adopted. Once my mom knew that I understood the concept of adoption, she never brought it up. Not once.
I think that subconsciously, that forced me to choose between my biological family and my adoptive family. It was always like my mom was playing defense when I asked questions about my real mom; as if there were teams and my real mom was on the 'other' team, which of course was the wrong team, the bad team. They made it something that was covered in secrecy and, in not so many words, shameful. Just by body language and tone of voice I could tell she didn't want me to talk or ask about her. I mean, seriously, you could at least stop doing the dishes for a second to answer your nine year old when she asks you why there isn't any information about her dad. But instead, it was just "she didn't even know who he was" spoken in a completely judgmental voice while slamming down a pot. In essence, it feels a lot like being rejected all over again, because you came from someone like that and not people like your adoptive parents. When posed with this subconscious choice, I think I subconsciously chose my biological family, which I realize now is probably why I don't hug my parents and haven't told them I love them in probably 15 or 20 years.
But you know, at least I can learn from that. We plan to adopt kids someday, and I swear to you that those kids can talk about their real mom every single day if they want to. They can make up stories about her and tell their friends about her. I want them to talk about it and I can't wait to talk about it with them. I suppose you can't expect someone who isn't adopted to understand that it isn't a threatening thing to let a kid think like that. Sometimes the best way to learn is from other people's mistakes.
First, there have been over 60 unique visitors to this site, just since I started last week. I know that in web terms that is nothing, but these aren't customers or sales leads, these are real people. Every time I log in and see that the count has increased, I am amazed and encouraged.
Secondly, I have been reading about the benefits of connecting with other adoptees. That's part of the reason I started this blog. Not just to benefit myself, but so that other adoptees can benefit as well. I have also contacted my church and they are going to put together a group for people affected by adoption - I can't wait! I thought about it for most of the weekend. The group isn't supposed to start until mid-February, and I wondered how I could manage to wait that long.
But then, are you ready for this? At the end of the workday today, one of my coworkers comes into my office and says "You were adopted, too?" What!?!? This girl has worked in our office for a few months now but is ultra shy so I haven't really gotten to know her very well - however, her adoption came up in conversation with another coworker and he told her that I was adopted, too. I kid you not, I had to hold on to my desk in order to keep myself from falling out of my chair. What are the chances of that?! I feel so lucky and so blessed and so reassured that God is with me that I can't even begin to describe it.
In less exciting and encouraging news, I talked to my mom tonight. I just wanted the name of my adoption agency. Here is about how it went:
"What do you need to know for?" To which I wanted to respond, why do you want to keep everything a secret? But instead...
"I'm trying to see if she updated the medical file they have for me at the courthouse" That is a lie. I already sent all of my forms in earlier today. It did ask for an agency, but I put enough other information on there for them to identify me without an agnecy name. Yes, I'm a whimp. Definitely not ready to tell her what I'm really searching for.
"Well, she was only 24, I doubt many people who are that age that give up their kids actually come back and update the file" My mom always made my birth mother out to be some kind of whorish slut and whenever she talks about her she uses a really horrid tone of voice. It makes you feel really great, you know?
"I read online that some people have gotten updated medical forms"
"Oh, did they find their parents, too?"
"Some of them did, but some just got medical info"
I hate talking to her about anything that has to do with my adoption. My parents gave me a home and provided what I needed, but they never gave me an outlet to talk about being adopted. Once my mom knew that I understood the concept of adoption, she never brought it up. Not once.
I think that subconsciously, that forced me to choose between my biological family and my adoptive family. It was always like my mom was playing defense when I asked questions about my real mom; as if there were teams and my real mom was on the 'other' team, which of course was the wrong team, the bad team. They made it something that was covered in secrecy and, in not so many words, shameful. Just by body language and tone of voice I could tell she didn't want me to talk or ask about her. I mean, seriously, you could at least stop doing the dishes for a second to answer your nine year old when she asks you why there isn't any information about her dad. But instead, it was just "she didn't even know who he was" spoken in a completely judgmental voice while slamming down a pot. In essence, it feels a lot like being rejected all over again, because you came from someone like that and not people like your adoptive parents. When posed with this subconscious choice, I think I subconsciously chose my biological family, which I realize now is probably why I don't hug my parents and haven't told them I love them in probably 15 or 20 years.
But you know, at least I can learn from that. We plan to adopt kids someday, and I swear to you that those kids can talk about their real mom every single day if they want to. They can make up stories about her and tell their friends about her. I want them to talk about it and I can't wait to talk about it with them. I suppose you can't expect someone who isn't adopted to understand that it isn't a threatening thing to let a kid think like that. Sometimes the best way to learn is from other people's mistakes.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 5:17 PM
1 Comments:
You are not alone, while my parents support me in my search, I know many adoptees that are going thru the same thing. Some who won't even acknowledge their grown children's needs. Don't give up, ever.
Dan
www.chosen-babies.com
www.wraithswrealm.com
www.ocadoptees.com
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