Better Days Are Coming
I filled out the dreaded "forms" this morning and they are now all ready to mail in. It wasn't as horrid as I imagined. I'm skeptical that anything will happen as a result (One form is a request to release my entire file, one form is a request to see if my mom ever updated her medical history in my file, and the last one is a form to enter my info into a large private adoption registry) Then, we went to church.
My head has kind of been spinning for the past week or so, and I don't think I was ready for tonight.
First, there is this girl who always sits right in front of us at church. She is about my age and sits there by herself. Then, every week, about 10 minutes into the service, her family comes. She says hi to her dad and brother and hugs her mom. She always sits next to her mom. They look exactly alike. Same hair, same eyes, same nose, same smile, same size, same build, even the same sense of style. It always makes me mad. Or, in reality, its probably just that I'm jealous. I bet people tell them they look alike all the time. Tonight, her and her mom were singing on stage, no more than 20 feet right in front of me, so I had to look at them the whole time we sang. But, I suppose that if I had a mom like that, I would want to go everywhere with her so people would say we looked alike, too. A lot of times, I just feel like going up to people and asking them if they know how lucky they are to have that kind of connection with someone.
Anyway, besides my mom-envy incident, I have to say, after hearing tonight's message, I'm really, really excited about what lies ahead for me regarding this whole adoption issue, and I realized that even if my search is in vain, I personally have a lot to learn about life, myself and letting things go. When my church posts tonight's message online, I'll link to it here, because its something that every adoptee has got to hear, regardless of your religious background. I think that God is getting ready to teach me something big, I have no idea what, but I am ready for it.
This whole change in my attitude about adoption has been really unexpected for me. My plan was to just keep on pretending that it didn't have any affect on me. After all, I'd gotten this far without anyone knowing what I really thought. But I feel like I'm ready to learn as I go through this.
I sent an email to a few close friends this week and told them about this blog. It was nothing short of the most humbling thing I've ever done in my life. How do you tell people that you grew up with, people who have always known you, people that you spend hours with every day, people who were in your wedding, your best friends from high school and college, your husband that you're not who you appear to be? It took me a day and a half to get up the nerve to send it and I thought I was going to be sick after I did it. But, in spite of how awful it felt to get to that point, I needed to get there and even though I still feel slightly nauseous thinking about that email that I sent, I can already see how getting rid of that pride, that self-sufficient mindset is going to be way better for me in the long run.
My head has kind of been spinning for the past week or so, and I don't think I was ready for tonight.
First, there is this girl who always sits right in front of us at church. She is about my age and sits there by herself. Then, every week, about 10 minutes into the service, her family comes. She says hi to her dad and brother and hugs her mom. She always sits next to her mom. They look exactly alike. Same hair, same eyes, same nose, same smile, same size, same build, even the same sense of style. It always makes me mad. Or, in reality, its probably just that I'm jealous. I bet people tell them they look alike all the time. Tonight, her and her mom were singing on stage, no more than 20 feet right in front of me, so I had to look at them the whole time we sang. But, I suppose that if I had a mom like that, I would want to go everywhere with her so people would say we looked alike, too. A lot of times, I just feel like going up to people and asking them if they know how lucky they are to have that kind of connection with someone.
Anyway, besides my mom-envy incident, I have to say, after hearing tonight's message, I'm really, really excited about what lies ahead for me regarding this whole adoption issue, and I realized that even if my search is in vain, I personally have a lot to learn about life, myself and letting things go. When my church posts tonight's message online, I'll link to it here, because its something that every adoptee has got to hear, regardless of your religious background. I think that God is getting ready to teach me something big, I have no idea what, but I am ready for it.
This whole change in my attitude about adoption has been really unexpected for me. My plan was to just keep on pretending that it didn't have any affect on me. After all, I'd gotten this far without anyone knowing what I really thought. But I feel like I'm ready to learn as I go through this.
I sent an email to a few close friends this week and told them about this blog. It was nothing short of the most humbling thing I've ever done in my life. How do you tell people that you grew up with, people who have always known you, people that you spend hours with every day, people who were in your wedding, your best friends from high school and college, your husband that you're not who you appear to be? It took me a day and a half to get up the nerve to send it and I thought I was going to be sick after I did it. But, in spite of how awful it felt to get to that point, I needed to get there and even though I still feel slightly nauseous thinking about that email that I sent, I can already see how getting rid of that pride, that self-sufficient mindset is going to be way better for me in the long run.
posted by everyscarisabridge at 7:43 PM
4 Comments:
I am really very impressed by your writing that email.
It's funny, but whenever someone has said to me "Well, my so and so is adopted and they are happy..so not everyone has issues" I always want to scream, "Well how would you KNOW? Do they tell you everything?..your cousin is going to really tell you, or your best friend's sister is going to hbe honest about her adoption" Like I think that most of us keep our true self, our doubts and weaknesses close to our hearts.
Thank you for confirming what I had really known in my heart.
As a natural mom, I hope that your search and reunion are a wonderfu journey fo self discovery and renewel. I look at adoptees beginning their searches, and I think of a mom out there somewhere waiting, wondering, and send her hope that maybe it will be over soon.
May you be embraced with open arms and tears of joy by a face that looks like yours and a laughter all too familier.
If yu need help searching..drop me a line
I am really enjoying your blog and wondering how much of your process my son went through before he found me. Probably, it was quite different for him as he still says that he has no adoption related problems or issues. (But, I think he had least longed to know me.) At least one of his ex-friends thought so - so do I. But, if I have learned anything, I know that we all must heal at our own time - and when we are ready.
Something interesting you said in this post, that you thought adoption had not affected you much. Many birth moms spend years in a fog not thinking adoption had too much affect on them, and then boom, something happens and everything can be different over night.
That defining moment for me was when I heard that my son was searching for me. It's one of the things about adoption that makes it so complex. You think that you are fine - for me nearly 32 years -then all of a sudden - you know that you are not "fine" and that you need to deal with it.
Can't tell you how many adoptees and birth moms said that they had no adoption issues until suddenly - they did - and needed to figure out how to try to resolve some of their "stuff". It's a journey for sure!
Cookie - I would venture to say that if your son was taking the steps to search for you, that he spent a lot of time thinking about you, even if he won't admit it. From what I've read in "20 Life-Transforming Choices...", all the adoptees that were interviewed for that book spent some amount of time imagining the circumstances of birth, conception and relinquishment. I know I have always thought about it, even when I was as young as 5 or 6. I could probably write pages and pages of what I think happened and what I think my mom thought and felt. It's my story - since they didn't ever give me the full details, I filled in the blanks as a kid and that's what I've clung to all these years.
However, as I get ready to begin to search, I am trying to put all of that aside, because I don't want to be disappointed if I do find her and everything is different. In my mind, she struggles on my brithday, too. But in preparation, I am telling myself that she might not even remember my birth date. I'm preparing myself for the myriad of things that I could find as a result of this search - What if I was conceived in rape? What if she despises me for interrupting her life? What if I look so much like my father that it upsets her? What if she's sick or crazy or dead? As usual, I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best!
Fauxclad - Thanks so much for posting. I am so happy that you can identify with some of the things I've been writing about - that is my purpose with this blog!
As a recipient of the spoken about e-mail I just want to confirm what you already know - anyone that really knows you can imagine the uncertainty you felt at sharing something this sensitive. Sometimes we can be brutal, but you must keep in mind that we all have our demons. Things we hope we will never have to share, things that make us uncomfortable and nauseous at the thought of sharing. You stepped out and hopefully are carving a path for our friendships to be more personal. As for me, I will do anything to help you with your self discovery. Do not ever feel like you can't ask me for favors, because you can and I will always do my best to help you.
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