Too Much To Ask?
My goal for this weekend is to fill out all this stupid, crazy paperwork that I have had in a folder for 4 years and send it in. Honestly, I don't even remember how I got the forms or what information they are supposed to get me, but I'll tackle that this weekend.
I don't know why I never sent them in. Ok, that's a lie. I do know why I didn't send them in. Because the idea of actually finding my mom and her not wanting anything to do with me is really scary. Get rid of me once, fine, but I'm stupid if I let you do it twice. I don't want to be that annoying interruption to someone's life. I feel like I already did that to her once, and I'm scared to do it again.
When I look at the person I am today, I can see how a lifetime of that kind of thinking has affected my life. I absolutely hate to inconvenience anyone, I really do. It makes me really uncomfortable to ask anyone to do anything for me, so I usually just manage to find a way to do things without asking for help.
For example, when I moved away to college, I came by myself, and I didn't have anyone to help me move my stuff into my dorm room. There was a 'Welcoming Committee' that was helping freshman move in, but I remember thinking about how badly I would feel if I had to ask one of them to help me. And they were there for the sole purpose of helping! I didn't ask, and I ended up moving everything in by myself. I preferred it that way.
I hate asking for favors, I hate when people give me things, and I try to keep a running tab of everything that everyone has ever done for me so I can pay them back for their time and trouble. Sometimes I feel like I used up all my favors in my first three months. First, my birth mom was kind enough to endure 9 months of pregnancy, unmarried, and then labor and delivery. I have to hope that she was thinking of what was best for me when she left me. And to top it all off, I was adopted. I didn't have to live in the foster care system my whole life. That's a lifetime of favors, just in my first 12 weeks. How could I possibly expect anyone else to do anything more for me? Hasn't she already done enough? And now I'm going to look her up, ask her to have lunch with me and have our picture taken together? It seems like I'm asking too much, sometimes.
But, I suppose that if I'm actually going to pursue this search for my birth mom, I'm just going to have to get over it, and in the long run, it will probably be better for me if I do just get over it. All that to say, the papers will be sent out this weekend. =)
I don't know why I never sent them in. Ok, that's a lie. I do know why I didn't send them in. Because the idea of actually finding my mom and her not wanting anything to do with me is really scary. Get rid of me once, fine, but I'm stupid if I let you do it twice. I don't want to be that annoying interruption to someone's life. I feel like I already did that to her once, and I'm scared to do it again.
When I look at the person I am today, I can see how a lifetime of that kind of thinking has affected my life. I absolutely hate to inconvenience anyone, I really do. It makes me really uncomfortable to ask anyone to do anything for me, so I usually just manage to find a way to do things without asking for help.
For example, when I moved away to college, I came by myself, and I didn't have anyone to help me move my stuff into my dorm room. There was a 'Welcoming Committee' that was helping freshman move in, but I remember thinking about how badly I would feel if I had to ask one of them to help me. And they were there for the sole purpose of helping! I didn't ask, and I ended up moving everything in by myself. I preferred it that way.
I hate asking for favors, I hate when people give me things, and I try to keep a running tab of everything that everyone has ever done for me so I can pay them back for their time and trouble. Sometimes I feel like I used up all my favors in my first three months. First, my birth mom was kind enough to endure 9 months of pregnancy, unmarried, and then labor and delivery. I have to hope that she was thinking of what was best for me when she left me. And to top it all off, I was adopted. I didn't have to live in the foster care system my whole life. That's a lifetime of favors, just in my first 12 weeks. How could I possibly expect anyone else to do anything more for me? Hasn't she already done enough? And now I'm going to look her up, ask her to have lunch with me and have our picture taken together? It seems like I'm asking too much, sometimes.
But, I suppose that if I'm actually going to pursue this search for my birth mom, I'm just going to have to get over it, and in the long run, it will probably be better for me if I do just get over it. All that to say, the papers will be sent out this weekend. =)
posted by everyscarisabridge at 5:12 PM
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