Thursday, March 16, 2006

Double Standard?

I read something somewhere recently, I can't remember where, but it made me think...

When a parent has more than one child, no one ever brings into question whether or not that parent will be able to love more than one child. No one asks if they are trying to replace their other child. No one asks them why they aren't just happy enough with the child or children they already have and why they feel like they need another child.

But when an adopted person is searching for their birth parents, those are exactly the questions that are asked. Are you trying to replace your parents? Why can't you be happy with what you have?

It's as if a parent has an innate and understood ability to love more than one child and to love them equally - its never questioned. But from my experience, and from what I've read about other adoptees' experiences, an adoptee is generally not seen to have that ability when it comes to having 2 sets of parents.

8 Comments:

Blogger Cookie said...

Yeah, what's with that? I have asked that question alot. I think it is society's unwillingness to grant birth parents the dignity to be called "mothers" or "fathers" mostly. Many do not feel that we "deserve" the titles.

7:16 AM  
Blogger Wraiths said...

They don't ask when a person get's married how they can love a spouse and still love their family either.

Great post!!

8:52 AM  
Blogger Amyadoptee said...

Yea I get that a lot too. It is a good question. I get tired of that double standard. I was asked why I would want to get to know someone who doesn't know me and obviously doesn't love me. Its not about loving my parents any less. If anything, I love them more so. I appreciate who they are all the more. I just feel I deserve the information because out there is a father and a sister that do love me and want me. Its them I am looking for. Unfortunately I can't have access to them because of one woman's fear and guilt of the past.

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post. I got asked this alot from friends of mine - why do you want to search, aren't you afraid of hurting your mom, etc. My response was "I have tons of love to go around. My mom is my mom (Amom). No one can replace the things she's done for me or the love I feel for her." After finding my Bmom, I love her too and it didn't take away love I feel from my Amom.

9:18 AM  
Blogger stacy said...

Wow! That is such a great point. People always say...your parents are great parents I can't believe you would do that. Do what? Look for my roots? So sorry! Very good point, and that is a great thing to say to people when they ask if I want to replace my parents. Great post!

7:38 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

You can never be loved by too many people. Nor can you ever love too much.

That's my blanket response to this question which I have gotten like a million times.

I have to admit I'm usually not feelin' the love when they ask though. lol

5:59 AM  
Blogger HeatherRainbow said...

Love is very powerful. We can love as many people as there are people in the world, if we are given that opportunity. And each love, is unique.

3:53 PM  
Blogger birthmom1986 said...

Wow. My thoughts exactly. I am a birthmom and I get the "how could you search" thing. Like I didn't do something good, I did something horrible.
I did,however, wonder if I could love the child that was placed exactly as I do the son that I was able to keep, and I love them both the same.
I'd give them my heart beating out of my heart if they needed it.
So, you made an excellent point.
Thanks.

6:28 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home